Family Matters

By Teresa 

I come from a very large family, and as the years go on, it is continually getting bigger.  We all live within half an hour of each other and are all very close.  Every Sunday we get together for Sunday dinner, but we usually see each other at least once during the week also because we are friends and we enjoy spending time together.  For some of my brother and sister in-laws, my family was an adjustment.

Virginia Satir is a family therapist, and over the years she has noticed patterns in families that have sought her help.  Based on patterns that she saw, she separated them into two groups, nurturing families and troubled families.

A nurturing and vital family has a pattern of: “high self-worth; direct communication that is clear, specific, and honest; flexible rules that are human, appropriate, and subject to change; and the link to society is open and hopeful, and is based on choice” (Satir, 1988).

In contrast, Satir noticed that in troubled families: “self-worth was low; communication was indirect, vague, and not really honest; rules were rigid, inhuman, nonnegotiable, and everlasting; also, the family’s link to society was fearful, placating, and blaming” (Satir, 1988).

Whoever you decide to marry, you are deciding to marry their family as well.  This may be a good thing or a challenge, depending on your situation and attitude.  Virginia Satir had this to say about family and its context.

“The feelings and ideas one has about oneself, which I call self-worth.  The ways people use to work out meaning with one another, which I call communication.  The rules people use for how they should feel and act, which eventually develop into what I call the family system.  The way people relate to other people and institutions outside the family, which I call the link to society” (Satir, 1988).

We all come from different rearing backgrounds.  When you get married, you are taking the rules you have learned by experience- either replicating what you know, or consciously doing the opposite, and incorporating them into your current relationship.  Before you get married, you need to communicate about how your family will affect your relationship.  Some questions you need to discuss in detail include:

1)    How you will split the time between your families for: family vacations, family dinners, and holidays.

2)    How involved each of your families will be in your relationship. (Ex: if we get into a fight, will you talk to your mom about it?)

3)    How involved will your family be in raising our children?

4)    Would you be willing to move way from your family for a career?

 

Regardless of if you and your partner come from a nurturing family or a troubled family, these questions should be talked about with openness and honesty.  If you are able to settle these questions now, before you are married, the family pressure felt by couples after they are married will be notably less.

Reference

Virginia Satir (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books, Inc. Mountain View, CA

Blog Recommendation Sex and the Single Dad

By Chris

My Blog recommendation is Sex and the Single Dad.  You can find him here http://sexandthesingledad.com/ . 

This is a blog about single parenting and dating from a dad’s point of view.  This blog is written by J.R. it is about him and his teenage daughter whom he affectionately refers to as Drama Queen. J.R. says “Consider this to be Sex and the City on The Juice….” J.R.’s friends convinced him to start the blog and write about some of his dating exploits.

What brought me to this blog? I will tell you curiosity.  I wondered how the single father fared in the dating soup out there; is he going through the same issues I am? How does the single father find time for dating and how does he handle all the goofy things that come up with dating and being a single parent?

This blog is easy to navigate.  Under the banner are several categories that remain in place on every page so you can return home easily. On the home page you find the latest blog posts, the most recent post was March 29^th of 2012. If you scroll down a bit on the right of the posts you find clickable links to the latest posts, and links to categories of older posts, or you can explore the archives by month. 

My favorite category is Magnificent Moms in these posts he interviews other single mom bloggers. The questions he asks are insightful and well thought out, he also includes a link to the blog.

J.R.  Has this to say about his blog,” Not all stories are bad.  Some are good. Some are very good.  So good that they’re almost fairy tale-esque.  But then the fairy starts smoking crack and soon enough, it’s back to dating reality”

Remember this blog is written by a man, and at times can be crude and irreverent; but his humor is quite funny and he is one of only two men that have been included into the “Top twenty five single parent bloggers”. 

I have enjoyed several posts on his site, I plan on following him and thoroughly checking his recommended blogs as I enjoyed reading the interviews. 

I think you will enjoy and find this blog eye opening as I have that single parents whether they be moms or dads really are more alike than different from each other.  We are all raising children not priorities.

Any Advice?

            

Dear Reader,

       

         I wanted this post to be in response to a reader's question pertaining to the upcoming wedding of her niece: "My niece is getting married in the next couple of months, and with the stress of planning a wedding, are there specific topics you might recommend they discuss prior to the big day? Things you wish you had known?”

What topics should couples discuss before tying the knot? I liked this question and thought I would delve in to finding an answer. I am currently in a relationship, and have never been married, so naturally I found the information rather applicable.

            In a study conducted by Jason Carroll, researchers were curious to define "marriage readiness," from the perspective of emerging adults. Where does this shift occur enabling adults to develop the ability to make life long commitments, and the ability to care for others? (Carroll 2009). The research showed that in order for young adults to feel ready for marriage there must be two shifts. The first shift is a transition from being cared for by others to taking care of yourself, and the second shift is from self-care to caring for the needs of others. Carroll explains this transition needs to occur for young adults to feel that they are ready for marriage. Then, they must take several things into consideration before moving their relationship to the next level. After conducting his research, Carroll came up with a checklist of things couples should be aware of.  I wanted to highlight three of his ideas and propose three ideas you could relay to your niece about marriage.  I hope you will find them insightful.

1. Three Stages of Marriage- It  is important to realize there is an ebb and flow to marriage. Being aware of the shifts that accompany a developing relationship will prepare you for when the magic that was around when you first met dissipates into something else. Too often couples look at this shift and think that they have simply fallen out of love. Having a greater awareness of what to expect will help couples to be more prepared. Some researchers agree that there are three stages of love: (1) romantic love; (2) disillusionment and distraction; and, (3) dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment.  “One of the toughest things for men and women to sometimes understand is that as the relationship develops and moves through these stages, intense and passionate love tends to diminish as it moves more fully into these other two styles of love - companionate and altruistic love.” (Corroll 2009)

I hope you find these few tips insightful! 

Carroll, Jason, Sarah Badger, and Brian Willoughby. "Ready or Not? Criteria for        Marriage Readiness Among Emerging Adults ." JOURNAL OF ADOLESCENT RESEARCH . 24.3 (2009): 349-375. Print.

Blog Review (Dating Blog!)

This week I did some research on some blogs. I wanted to focus on dating blogs because dating is a huge part of preparing for marriage. Dating helps you learn what kinds of qualities you want your future spouse to have and also what kinds of activities you enjoy doing with that person. As you date, you begin to come to know yourself and your wants and needs better. As you learn these things about yourself, you will become more confident in dating and having the ultimate goal of finding someone who makes you extremely happy and to be married to them.  So I wanted to find a blog about dating that will help out with all of the problems that we seem to have when it comes to dating. Dating can be trying at times and sometimes it can be sheer bliss. When we embark on the dating journey we don’t know what has happened sometimes until it hits us hard and that is when we need advice immediately. That is what I feel this blog “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”, is providing us with.

Here is the link for “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”- http://datingadvicealmostdaily.wordpress.com/

This blog is really fantastic and easy to use. At the bottom right of the homepage there is a section called “stuff I write.” There are a bunch of key words that you can click on that will take you to any posts she has written involving those key words. Some I found intriguing were: attract good men, attraction for love, self-esteem, and want to get married won’t commit. These are all wonderful topics to focus on as someone who is dating. As I said earlier, your self-improvement and self -love are some of the hugest aspects in working toward a positive dating outcome. A saying that I love says: “Become the person who you would like to date.” I really love this because I think a lot of times we are looking for that nearly perfect person and when they don’t show up immediately, it’s time to do a self-evaluation.

Another reason I love this blog is that the advice that is given about each of these dating issues is very reasoned and sound. She doesn’t tell you to go egg the persons house for breaking up with you, which although might seem to help, won’t really have any effect in the long run. I think she gives great advice and really is educated on the answers she gives. Most importantly I want you to remember when you date that you are an amazing person and that your self worth and your attitude about yourself is infinitely more important than any person you will ever date. Don’t lower those standards that are most important to you. I think that the author of this blog also does a great job of reminding the readers of this.

I wish you the best in reading this blog and I hope you find it as helpful as I have! Happy reading! 

Good News

I saw this article laying open on my kitchen table this morning and I thought that I would share it with you. It's just a short article from the Deseret News about how planning a wedding together can strengthen a couple. I feel like the article addresses some lovely key points, you will just have to decide for yourself.  Preparing for marriage while planning a wedding

Happy reading!    

                                     

Premarital Sex

By Teresa

Reader question: “What does research say regarding premarital sex?  Does it help or hinder the marriage?”

 

We all have our personal beliefs about premarital sex- whether you view it as: acceptable, should be avoided, or in specific situations may be considered appropriate.  Common influences behind such beliefs include: social, religious, and personal values.  A lot of research pertaining to premarital sex is coupled with adolescence, and its negative effects which include: unwanted pregnancy, STI’s, and STD’s.  I was surprised to find that there is little specific research about the effects of premarital sex on marriages in adulthood, but I will share what little pieces of information I have found from multiple sources.

Research suggests that religiosity has quite the influence over premarital sexual beliefs and practices.  According to the authors of Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood, concerning never-married adults, “religiosity has a consistent, fairly strong, and statistically significant deterrent effect on the number of sexual partners” (Barkan 2006).  This study also found that the “inverse association between religiosity and number of sexual partners is invariant by gender.”  This means that the more religious you are, the fewer sexual partners you will likely have, and that this is true for both males and females.

In regard to the actual marital relationship, research found that, “premarital sex or premarital cohabitation that is limited to a woman's husband is not associated with an elevated risk of marital disruption.  However, women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship have an increased risk of marital dissolution” (Teachman 2003).

If you find yourself wondering if premarital sex has an effect on the sex life after you are married, I found research that states , “The percentages of men and women who reported being very satisfied with their current sexual relationship did not differ according to timing of first sexual intercourse” (Hirsch, Sandfort, Orr, and Santelli 2008).  So, according to this research, your sexual satisfaction later in your marriage is not dependent on whether or not you engaged in premarital sex.

I could not find any research suggesting that premarital sex enhances the marital relationship.  Research I found did not suggest that premarital intercourse had a serious detrimental effect on marriage, but I did find that it does increase the risk of marriage dissolution if you had more than one partner. The decision to engage in consensual premarital sex is a personal one.  Let your beliefs and values guide your decision.  Communication between you and your partner about premarital sex and your beliefs is essential!   My advice is to not let the decision to engage in premarital sex be a rash one because you don’t want to regret it later.  In this instance, there is always tomorrow.

References

Barkan, Steven E. (2006). Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, Vol 45(3), Sep, 2006. pp. 407-417.

Teachman, Jay (2003). Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women. Journal of Marriage & Family; May2003, Vol. 65 Issue 2, p444-455

Hirsch, J. S., Orr, M., Sandfort, T. M., and Santelli, J., (2008). Long-Term Health Correlates of Timing of Sexual Debut: Results From a National US Study. American Journal of Public Health; Jan2008, Vol. 98 Issue 1, p155-161

The New Rules of Marriage

By Annie

As I was driving through Arizona, periodically getting car sick, I read this book out loud with my sweetheart. A good friend recommended it to us. So we thought we’d give it a shot. He wasn’t partial to how it seemed to blame men for all the problems within relationships or the stereotypes it seemed to perpetuate of men. Overall, we both enjoyed the book and found it insightful for couples.

In The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real addresses what the author sees as a discrepancy between 20^th century rules for companionships versus 21^st century expectations. The book is based of the premise that we have different needs than our previous generations have had. He describes this shift because of the increasing autonomy of women during the later part of the 20^th century. This lead to increasing financial stability for women as well as education, putting an end to some of the traditional gender roles that had served as a building block for marriages. Instead of looking for financial stability and security, Real argues that women are now looking for emotional security and intimacy. However, men have not realized that what they are expected to do has changed. This causes a disconnect in between couples.  To remedy this conundrum, Real spends most of the book addressing different strategies that he has used in his practice based on this theory.

The book emerged out of seminars that he had done to help struggling couples reinvent their marriages. Based on this format, he addresses various aspects in which couples miscommunicate. He gives practice sections at the end of each chapter so that couples can evaluate where their communication skills are, what you may doing wrong, as well as right, and what a healthy couple should be doing – again based on what he calls “the new rules of marriage.” For example, there is a chapter entitled “Get What You Want: Empowering Yourself, Empowering Your Partner.” In this chapter, Real first explains winning strategies to have a healthy self-esteem. To explain the possible shortcomings in achieving these, Real gives real-life situations from his practice in which he explains how a certain couple struggled with their individual self-esteem thereby affecting the boundaries that they created and maintained with each other. He then describes how they implemented changes in their outlook and communication with each other that helped them to better achieve their goal. He does this in a well-outlined manner, by giving a “rule” (example: Rule: Interpersonal Conflicts are not resolved by eradicating differences, but by learning how to manage them).  He then uses the couples situation to show how first they are not “obeying” the rule, how that is hurting their relationship, and then how following the rule (and by giving specific examples of how to follow the rule) benefits their relationship. The practice section at the end really highlights how a couple can implement techniques into their marriage. He has lots of different activities couples can do together, such as journaling, quizzes and homework assignments, which typically consist of applying the rule. For example, he challenges couples to go 10 days without complaining. After that, they are to evaluate how well they did.

I think that his book is good, even though it isn’t supported by other research than he his own clinical casework. Despite the lack of hard empirical evidence, he has good insight into challenges that couples face. The book is a good read, because of how it is organized. The case studies bring the problems to life and make them easier to identify with. His practice sections are where the real strength of the book lies because it allows the reader to evaluate themselves and have practical applications to see changes in their relationships. I would suggest this book especially to dating couples who have tying the knot on their mind. It would be a good way to establish the direction, purpose and needs of each other and how to best accomplish this.