How To

Here's a quick how to video about how to more effectively communicate using validation. Enjoy! Thanks for stopping by.  
                                                           http://youtu.be/otomMs3rBwA

Video blog Coping with typical solvable problems

By Chris


This is a video blog I made on coping with typical solvable problems in your relationship. From Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. (1999) The seven principles for making marriages work (Chapter nine, 186-216). New York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc)

You can find my video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAxDl6I3wno

Enjoy!!

Blog Review- Jen's Love Lessons

 by Teresa

This past week, I spent several hours searching and sorting through blogs and websites on dating and relationships. After a couple of hours on Google, I realized that finding a decent blog on dating and relationships was going to be significantly more difficult than I realized.  However, I am happy to report that perseverance paid off and I finally found one that I liked! The blog is jenslovelessons.com.  The author has a PhD. and is an Assistant Professor at James Madison University in the School of Communication Studies.  Unlike many of the other blogs that I searched through, Jen’s posts are researched based and very applicable to people in relationships.

 In her about Jen section she states, “I truly believe that good social scientific research should not only improve the lives of others, but should also be made available to them.”  Her belief in getting good social scientific research out to the public has encouraged her to write this blog and a book.  Her book is advertised on the blog but it doesn’t overtake the blog, like so many others that I reviewed.  Jen’s Love Lessons does have advertisements that can be distracting, but if you scroll down until you pass them you will find: Love Lesson topics, Love Lesson series, and Missed Love Lessons.  Overall this blog is very well organized and user friendly. 

 I have really enjoyed searching through her blog. She has really insightful information, as well as things to make you laugh.  One of her recent posts, just for the love of it: a few interesting relationship articles, has a link to an article titled, “How do you decide who to marry (written by kids).”  The article was so adorably hilarious. One of her researched based posts that I enjoyed was about actually being supportive. Not only did she post about a common life experience and a natural response to the scenario, she supplied research based steps on how to supply person-centered support. She also included what to avoid when you are trying to be supportive. At the end of her post she referenced the articles she cited, and offered additional information about providing support with book and article recommendations. All in all, I think Jen’s Love Lessons are very relevant for anyone who is in a relationship. Her various posts and tips on how to strengthen relationships are very applicable and fun to read- I encourage you all to check it out!

Video Blog on "I" Messages

This is a video that I made about using "I" Messages. These help you to communicate with your partner during a conflict without blame. I hope that it is helpful! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96HHepwQpmA&feature=youtu.be

Two of Us

A little blog review.  Through out the past week I have been searching the vast expanse of the Internet for other helpful links about dating, and marriage preparation. I was alarmed by how little information is available for the dating individual seeking marriage preparation. It affirmed to me this need we have to A.) Become educated ourselves. B.) Use that information to help other people. Its shocking to me how little information there is about what to expect in a healthy relationship in the blog sphere. As I was searching of course I ran into some darling wedding blogs preparing anxious brides for their special day, blogs about flirting tips, and date ideas, how to be more datable. Then when I ran into blogs that had a research backbone they were dryer than dirt, lacking the voice of the author. Honestly the search for a good balanced dating blog was dismal. Need I remind you that I was particularly looking for blogs and, not at more general websites. I found a blog that seems to have some potential TwoOfUs.org. Written by The National Health Marriage Resource Center. (NHMRC)

“(NHMRC) is the national resource and clearinghouse for information and research relating to healthy marriages. We strive to be a "first stop shop" for marriage and family trends and statistics, marriage education and programming, scholarly research, and the latest news and events. In particular, the NHMRC also provides training and technical assistance presentations and documents for federally funded Healthy Marriage Initiative grantees.”

This blog has tabs that allow you to pick which topic relates to you dating, exclusive, engaged, married, and parents. This feature opens up the target audience of this site to have a rather large range of people who may find it applicable. Even though the site isn’t directly targeted at the dating population the information it has to offer for dating couples is really quite wonderful. Keeping that in mind I mainly looked at the dating tab of the blog.  This section of the site has podcasts, videos, and articles to shift through, and my personal favorite: quizzes. I really enjoy that they have versatile media-viewing options. The site has a good array of topics ranging from: A Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Wedding Proposal, to Why Commitment Matters.

 The site yields good advice. It talks about issues that couples really could benefit from. The content isn’t shallow and flighty, but rather it’s applicable.  Unfortunately it’s missing a solid backbone in research, or at least the authors don’t cite their sources.  The articles don’t mention studies, and references aren’t available.  Taking into consideration who writes for the blog, it’s safe to assume it’s creditable. Even though it lacks research, the articles are easy to read, and have a nice flow. They lack a certain tone of formality; I actually really liked that about the articles. They seemed more applicable because of the friendlier, and more casual tone.

A Job Well Done:

• Variety of media options
• Fluid writing
• Quizzes!
• Variety of good information

Irritating Factors:

• Too many ads: The site is more difficult to navigate than I would like because of the plethora of ads monopolizing the screen. Once you scroll past the ads you are able to find some excellent information.
Lack of reference to research within the articles

The site is enjoyable, and if you're in need of more dating advice it's an excellent source! Enjoy

Book Review: Getting the love you want: A guide for couples, 20th anniversary edition.

By Chris


Originally published in 1988 Getting the love you want has been updated with a new chapter. 


This book is written by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD., they originated Imago Relationship Therapy, a unique healing process for couples, prospective couples, and parents.


This book is broken into three sections.  The first section covers our old brain.  It describes that for the first 10-12 months of life we live in an Edenistic state where all of our wants and needs are met and fulfilled. This is the time where our "old brain" starts to form our basis of relationships with our parents.


The second section covers our higher reasoning new brain.  This is where when we are attracted to a potential partner we find remnants of our relationships with our parents.  We try to recreate the unfinished business that we have with our parents and resolve it with our partners.  We learn how to recognize what we are doing and understand ourselves better.


The third section is the exercises. Here you'll be taken through a series of exercises that you can do at home that have been actually used in the author's practice. They're easy to do and involve writing. They are interesting and practical, blended in a very readable format. Keep in mind however that this is not a quick fix book full of easy answers. 

Here is an extraordinary practical guide to resolving problems, using 16 exercises to enhance communication, stop self-defeating behavior, and achieve mutual emotional satisfaction. With Hendrix's advice, the all-too-common marital power struggle can be gradually transformed into a mutually beneficial process of spiritual and emotional growth.

 Hendrix, Harville. (2007). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples, 20th anniversary edition. New York, NY: Henry Holt & Co.

Book Review: Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough

            I have just finished reading the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough By: Lori Gottlieb. I loved this book! It had a lot of personal experiences that were analyzed and help you realize what might help you when you are looking for the person you want to marry. There was also a fair amount of research that allowed for the book to still be enjoyable and not feel like you were reading a text book, but also to make the book seem more real and believable. The author sets up the book very well. The book consists of five parts and in each part you can clearly find a subject that will be of interest to you if you just have time to thumb through the book. The beginning of this book is what really ties you in. It starts with a story about a husband store. As you go up each level, the husbands on the next level up will have gained another desirable quality. There are 6 floors in the store and when the woman gets to level five the husband she could choose are men who have good jobs, love kids, are extremely handsome, help equally with the housework, and have a great sense of humor. The trick to this store is you can only move up in floors and you may only enter the store once. So the woman as she reached this floor she was tempted to stay because she has found exactly what she was looking for, but something leads her to the last floor. On the last floor there are no men. This story helps begin the whole basis of the book. Women can sometimes be impossible to please. So I want to share my favorite part from each section of the book.

Part One: How Did We Get Here?

            In this part of the book the author does some social research between a group of five twenty-something year olds, and a group of five women in their thirties and forties. What she finds is that the 20 year olds are very picky in the kind of men they date. They basically throw away really amazing guys because they don’t meet one requirement on their list. Well it turns out that is what these women in their 30’s and 40’s had done and now they would give anything to be back with the guy who was too optimistic, or wasn’t exciting enough, or who didn’t give the “right kind of flowers”, or who was going bald.

Part Two: From Fantasy To Reality

“Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces”-Sigmund Freud

            *Learn to be happily realistic about the person you want to marry.

*The M&M test: When you ask people why they like M&M’s they can tell you what they like but not necessarily why. How does this relate to dating? Our must haves and deal-breakers are the “what” when they should be the “why.” We need to really take a closer look and decide what is really important to us.

*”You end up with the type of woman today who sees herself as too good for an ordinary relationship”-Dr. Broder (pg. 131)

Part Three: Making Smarter Choices

*”First Impressions are not a strong predictor of marital success.”- Scott Haltzman (pg. 195) We need to make smarter choices and not just get rid of someone after the first date because they ate shrimp and you hate shrimp. Give it some time and you might just find they are an amazing person, maybe even the one for you!

Part Four: What Really Matters

*I love this section because it focused on wants vs. needs and it gave some great examples! Here they are:

            *You want someone creative. You need someone you can trust.

*You want someone who shares your love of jazz. You need someone who appreciates some of your interests.

* You want someone who is athletic and physically active. You need someone who accepts you at your worst. (Gottlieb, pg 221).

Part Five: Putting it All Together

“It is not lack of love but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”-Friedrich Nietzsche

*Cooperative teamwork was the definition of a good marriage, but now the focus has shifted to personal satisfaction through the marital relationship itself.”-Paul Amato (Gotlieb, pg. 277) As we learn to make our marriage work and work on having satisfaction as a couple, the marriage will stay strong and so will the relationship.

I love this book and I recommend that you all read it! Hopefully I didn’t give away too much, but just enough to get you interested. Happy Reading!

Family Matters

By Teresa 

I come from a very large family, and as the years go on, it is continually getting bigger.  We all live within half an hour of each other and are all very close.  Every Sunday we get together for Sunday dinner, but we usually see each other at least once during the week also because we are friends and we enjoy spending time together.  For some of my brother and sister in-laws, my family was an adjustment.

Virginia Satir is a family therapist, and over the years she has noticed patterns in families that have sought her help.  Based on patterns that she saw, she separated them into two groups, nurturing families and troubled families.

A nurturing and vital family has a pattern of: “high self-worth; direct communication that is clear, specific, and honest; flexible rules that are human, appropriate, and subject to change; and the link to society is open and hopeful, and is based on choice” (Satir, 1988).

In contrast, Satir noticed that in troubled families: “self-worth was low; communication was indirect, vague, and not really honest; rules were rigid, inhuman, nonnegotiable, and everlasting; also, the family’s link to society was fearful, placating, and blaming” (Satir, 1988).

Whoever you decide to marry, you are deciding to marry their family as well.  This may be a good thing or a challenge, depending on your situation and attitude.  Virginia Satir had this to say about family and its context.

“The feelings and ideas one has about oneself, which I call self-worth.  The ways people use to work out meaning with one another, which I call communication.  The rules people use for how they should feel and act, which eventually develop into what I call the family system.  The way people relate to other people and institutions outside the family, which I call the link to society” (Satir, 1988).

We all come from different rearing backgrounds.  When you get married, you are taking the rules you have learned by experience- either replicating what you know, or consciously doing the opposite, and incorporating them into your current relationship.  Before you get married, you need to communicate about how your family will affect your relationship.  Some questions you need to discuss in detail include:

1)    How you will split the time between your families for: family vacations, family dinners, and holidays.

2)    How involved each of your families will be in your relationship. (Ex: if we get into a fight, will you talk to your mom about it?)

3)    How involved will your family be in raising our children?

4)    Would you be willing to move way from your family for a career?

 

Regardless of if you and your partner come from a nurturing family or a troubled family, these questions should be talked about with openness and honesty.  If you are able to settle these questions now, before you are married, the family pressure felt by couples after they are married will be notably less.

Reference

Virginia Satir (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books, Inc. Mountain View, CA

Blog Recommendation Sex and the Single Dad

By Chris

My Blog recommendation is Sex and the Single Dad.  You can find him here http://sexandthesingledad.com/ . 

This is a blog about single parenting and dating from a dad’s point of view.  This blog is written by J.R. it is about him and his teenage daughter whom he affectionately refers to as Drama Queen. J.R. says “Consider this to be Sex and the City on The Juice….” J.R.’s friends convinced him to start the blog and write about some of his dating exploits.

What brought me to this blog? I will tell you curiosity.  I wondered how the single father fared in the dating soup out there; is he going through the same issues I am? How does the single father find time for dating and how does he handle all the goofy things that come up with dating and being a single parent?

This blog is easy to navigate.  Under the banner are several categories that remain in place on every page so you can return home easily. On the home page you find the latest blog posts, the most recent post was March 29^th of 2012. If you scroll down a bit on the right of the posts you find clickable links to the latest posts, and links to categories of older posts, or you can explore the archives by month. 

My favorite category is Magnificent Moms in these posts he interviews other single mom bloggers. The questions he asks are insightful and well thought out, he also includes a link to the blog.

J.R.  Has this to say about his blog,” Not all stories are bad.  Some are good. Some are very good.  So good that they’re almost fairy tale-esque.  But then the fairy starts smoking crack and soon enough, it’s back to dating reality”

Remember this blog is written by a man, and at times can be crude and irreverent; but his humor is quite funny and he is one of only two men that have been included into the “Top twenty five single parent bloggers”. 

I have enjoyed several posts on his site, I plan on following him and thoroughly checking his recommended blogs as I enjoyed reading the interviews. 

I think you will enjoy and find this blog eye opening as I have that single parents whether they be moms or dads really are more alike than different from each other.  We are all raising children not priorities.

Any Advice?

            

Dear Reader,

       

         I wanted this post to be in response to a reader's question pertaining to the upcoming wedding of her niece: "My niece is getting married in the next couple of months, and with the stress of planning a wedding, are there specific topics you might recommend they discuss prior to the big day? Things you wish you had known?”

What topics should couples discuss before tying the knot? I liked this question and thought I would delve in to finding an answer. I am currently in a relationship, and have never been married, so naturally I found the information rather applicable.

            In a study conducted by Jason Carroll, researchers were curious to define "marriage readiness," from the perspective of emerging adults. Where does this shift occur enabling adults to develop the ability to make life long commitments, and the ability to care for others? (Carroll 2009). The research showed that in order for young adults to feel ready for marriage there must be two shifts. The first shift is a transition from being cared for by others to taking care of yourself, and the second shift is from self-care to caring for the needs of others. Carroll explains this transition needs to occur for young adults to feel that they are ready for marriage. Then, they must take several things into consideration before moving their relationship to the next level. After conducting his research, Carroll came up with a checklist of things couples should be aware of.  I wanted to highlight three of his ideas and propose three ideas you could relay to your niece about marriage.  I hope you will find them insightful.

1. Three Stages of Marriage- It  is important to realize there is an ebb and flow to marriage. Being aware of the shifts that accompany a developing relationship will prepare you for when the magic that was around when you first met dissipates into something else. Too often couples look at this shift and think that they have simply fallen out of love. Having a greater awareness of what to expect will help couples to be more prepared. Some researchers agree that there are three stages of love: (1) romantic love; (2) disillusionment and distraction; and, (3) dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment.  “One of the toughest things for men and women to sometimes understand is that as the relationship develops and moves through these stages, intense and passionate love tends to diminish as it moves more fully into these other two styles of love - companionate and altruistic love.” (Corroll 2009)

I hope you find these few tips insightful! 

Carroll, Jason, Sarah Badger, and Brian Willoughby. "Ready or Not? Criteria for        Marriage Readiness Among Emerging Adults ." JOURNAL OF ADOLESCENT RESEARCH . 24.3 (2009): 349-375. Print.

Blog Review (Dating Blog!)

This week I did some research on some blogs. I wanted to focus on dating blogs because dating is a huge part of preparing for marriage. Dating helps you learn what kinds of qualities you want your future spouse to have and also what kinds of activities you enjoy doing with that person. As you date, you begin to come to know yourself and your wants and needs better. As you learn these things about yourself, you will become more confident in dating and having the ultimate goal of finding someone who makes you extremely happy and to be married to them.  So I wanted to find a blog about dating that will help out with all of the problems that we seem to have when it comes to dating. Dating can be trying at times and sometimes it can be sheer bliss. When we embark on the dating journey we don’t know what has happened sometimes until it hits us hard and that is when we need advice immediately. That is what I feel this blog “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”, is providing us with.

Here is the link for “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”- http://datingadvicealmostdaily.wordpress.com/

This blog is really fantastic and easy to use. At the bottom right of the homepage there is a section called “stuff I write.” There are a bunch of key words that you can click on that will take you to any posts she has written involving those key words. Some I found intriguing were: attract good men, attraction for love, self-esteem, and want to get married won’t commit. These are all wonderful topics to focus on as someone who is dating. As I said earlier, your self-improvement and self -love are some of the hugest aspects in working toward a positive dating outcome. A saying that I love says: “Become the person who you would like to date.” I really love this because I think a lot of times we are looking for that nearly perfect person and when they don’t show up immediately, it’s time to do a self-evaluation.

Another reason I love this blog is that the advice that is given about each of these dating issues is very reasoned and sound. She doesn’t tell you to go egg the persons house for breaking up with you, which although might seem to help, won’t really have any effect in the long run. I think she gives great advice and really is educated on the answers she gives. Most importantly I want you to remember when you date that you are an amazing person and that your self worth and your attitude about yourself is infinitely more important than any person you will ever date. Don’t lower those standards that are most important to you. I think that the author of this blog also does a great job of reminding the readers of this.

I wish you the best in reading this blog and I hope you find it as helpful as I have! Happy reading! 

Good News

I saw this article laying open on my kitchen table this morning and I thought that I would share it with you. It's just a short article from the Deseret News about how planning a wedding together can strengthen a couple. I feel like the article addresses some lovely key points, you will just have to decide for yourself.  Preparing for marriage while planning a wedding

Happy reading!    

                                     

Premarital Sex

By Teresa

Reader question: “What does research say regarding premarital sex?  Does it help or hinder the marriage?”

 

We all have our personal beliefs about premarital sex- whether you view it as: acceptable, should be avoided, or in specific situations may be considered appropriate.  Common influences behind such beliefs include: social, religious, and personal values.  A lot of research pertaining to premarital sex is coupled with adolescence, and its negative effects which include: unwanted pregnancy, STI’s, and STD’s.  I was surprised to find that there is little specific research about the effects of premarital sex on marriages in adulthood, but I will share what little pieces of information I have found from multiple sources.

Research suggests that religiosity has quite the influence over premarital sexual beliefs and practices.  According to the authors of Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood, concerning never-married adults, “religiosity has a consistent, fairly strong, and statistically significant deterrent effect on the number of sexual partners” (Barkan 2006).  This study also found that the “inverse association between religiosity and number of sexual partners is invariant by gender.”  This means that the more religious you are, the fewer sexual partners you will likely have, and that this is true for both males and females.

In regard to the actual marital relationship, research found that, “premarital sex or premarital cohabitation that is limited to a woman's husband is not associated with an elevated risk of marital disruption.  However, women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship have an increased risk of marital dissolution” (Teachman 2003).

If you find yourself wondering if premarital sex has an effect on the sex life after you are married, I found research that states , “The percentages of men and women who reported being very satisfied with their current sexual relationship did not differ according to timing of first sexual intercourse” (Hirsch, Sandfort, Orr, and Santelli 2008).  So, according to this research, your sexual satisfaction later in your marriage is not dependent on whether or not you engaged in premarital sex.

I could not find any research suggesting that premarital sex enhances the marital relationship.  Research I found did not suggest that premarital intercourse had a serious detrimental effect on marriage, but I did find that it does increase the risk of marriage dissolution if you had more than one partner. The decision to engage in consensual premarital sex is a personal one.  Let your beliefs and values guide your decision.  Communication between you and your partner about premarital sex and your beliefs is essential!   My advice is to not let the decision to engage in premarital sex be a rash one because you don’t want to regret it later.  In this instance, there is always tomorrow.

References

Barkan, Steven E. (2006). Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, Vol 45(3), Sep, 2006. pp. 407-417.

Teachman, Jay (2003). Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women. Journal of Marriage & Family; May2003, Vol. 65 Issue 2, p444-455

Hirsch, J. S., Orr, M., Sandfort, T. M., and Santelli, J., (2008). Long-Term Health Correlates of Timing of Sexual Debut: Results From a National US Study. American Journal of Public Health; Jan2008, Vol. 98 Issue 1, p155-161

The New Rules of Marriage

By Annie

As I was driving through Arizona, periodically getting car sick, I read this book out loud with my sweetheart. A good friend recommended it to us. So we thought we’d give it a shot. He wasn’t partial to how it seemed to blame men for all the problems within relationships or the stereotypes it seemed to perpetuate of men. Overall, we both enjoyed the book and found it insightful for couples.

In The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real addresses what the author sees as a discrepancy between 20^th century rules for companionships versus 21^st century expectations. The book is based of the premise that we have different needs than our previous generations have had. He describes this shift because of the increasing autonomy of women during the later part of the 20^th century. This lead to increasing financial stability for women as well as education, putting an end to some of the traditional gender roles that had served as a building block for marriages. Instead of looking for financial stability and security, Real argues that women are now looking for emotional security and intimacy. However, men have not realized that what they are expected to do has changed. This causes a disconnect in between couples.  To remedy this conundrum, Real spends most of the book addressing different strategies that he has used in his practice based on this theory.

The book emerged out of seminars that he had done to help struggling couples reinvent their marriages. Based on this format, he addresses various aspects in which couples miscommunicate. He gives practice sections at the end of each chapter so that couples can evaluate where their communication skills are, what you may doing wrong, as well as right, and what a healthy couple should be doing – again based on what he calls “the new rules of marriage.” For example, there is a chapter entitled “Get What You Want: Empowering Yourself, Empowering Your Partner.” In this chapter, Real first explains winning strategies to have a healthy self-esteem. To explain the possible shortcomings in achieving these, Real gives real-life situations from his practice in which he explains how a certain couple struggled with their individual self-esteem thereby affecting the boundaries that they created and maintained with each other. He then describes how they implemented changes in their outlook and communication with each other that helped them to better achieve their goal. He does this in a well-outlined manner, by giving a “rule” (example: Rule: Interpersonal Conflicts are not resolved by eradicating differences, but by learning how to manage them).  He then uses the couples situation to show how first they are not “obeying” the rule, how that is hurting their relationship, and then how following the rule (and by giving specific examples of how to follow the rule) benefits their relationship. The practice section at the end really highlights how a couple can implement techniques into their marriage. He has lots of different activities couples can do together, such as journaling, quizzes and homework assignments, which typically consist of applying the rule. For example, he challenges couples to go 10 days without complaining. After that, they are to evaluate how well they did.

I think that his book is good, even though it isn’t supported by other research than he his own clinical casework. Despite the lack of hard empirical evidence, he has good insight into challenges that couples face. The book is a good read, because of how it is organized. The case studies bring the problems to life and make them easier to identify with. His practice sections are where the real strength of the book lies because it allows the reader to evaluate themselves and have practical applications to see changes in their relationships. I would suggest this book especially to dating couples who have tying the knot on their mind. It would be a good way to establish the direction, purpose and needs of each other and how to best accomplish this.

Reader Question Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while?

By Chris

Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while? How would you handle the situation between the child/ren and the new boyfriend if the child/ren are making it difficult by being defiant etc. ?

I have kept my children separate from my dating world, until I felt that they were ready to meet my guy and my guy felt he was ready to meet them. I waited a few years after my husband passed away before I attempted that great vastness of dating. My main concern is my children's happiness and security. So I established some ground rules for me, my main one was I never brought anyone home until I knew him and that takes asking a lot of questions, meeting in public places and not staying out late. When we did bring our children to meet each other I picked a neutral setting, the park for a picnic, this way the kids got a chance to meet each other and have something to do and I met his son he met my sons and daughter. Our kids had a chance to see us together and a chance to meet each other without the power play they tend to do when you meet at each others houses. I found it helpful to coach them about what we were going to do. I asked if they would like to meet the person that I really like. After a bunch of ok's... if we have to .... etc. I said we are going to go on a picnic at the park and he will be meeting us there with his son. I was dating my guy for 3 months or so at this point. After it was question and answer from my children all the way home. I was lucky with the way my children handled the situation. None of them really gave me a hard time. It boiled down to they want their mom to be happy but they have the right to not like my guy, or like him. They also know that my guy is not there to take their dad's place, and that they are still the most important in my life, they are good with it. My best advice is, make sure he is someone you can see in your child's life long term before you decide to introduce them to him. Date someone that has pets or children of their own, they're more likely to understand what comes with being a responsible parent.

 APA Reference 
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/

The Pros and Cons Of Cohabitation (Reader Question)

Cohabitation Means Commitment!

The best way to cohabit is if you are very serious about a relationship

This post is in answer to a Reader Question about the pros and cons of cohabitation before marriage. This was a really interesting question for me to research and I hope that I was able to find some things that will be helpful to all. Cohabitation is becoming increasingly popular in society and is often the first experience of living together rather than after marriage. There are many concerns that people have with cohabitation replacing actual marriage and the effects it will have on society, but it is also popularly accepted. I mostly want to give you some lists of what to expect when it comes to the positives and negatives of living together before marriage.

I also really liked what this blog had to say about cohabitation if you want more information! :) 

http://kimmysblogspace.wordpress.com/

Some Statistics:

*In 2000 the total number of unmarried couples cohabiting in America reached 4.75 million. In 1960 there were less than 500,000 unmarried cohabiting couples

*Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation

* In recent representative national surveys nearly 66% of high school senior boys and 61% of the girls indicated that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” with the statement “it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.”

*Forty years ago, living together for unmarried, heterosexual couples was against the law. It was considered immoral, or at the least very improper. (Poponoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002)

The Cons of Cohabitation:

• ·      Cohabitation before marriage could mean no commitment
• ·      These people may leave as soon as it becomes troublesome
• ·      Once a pattern of low-commitment and high-autonomy that is sometimes found in unmarried cohabitation is formed, it is hard to unlearn.
• ·      “Cohabitation increased young people’s acceptance of divorce, but other independent living experiences did not.”
• ·      “The more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.”(Poponoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002)
• ·      You also may be living like a married couple, but when it comes to economic and social resources, they are not equal to that of a married couple.
• ·      Can be harmful for children if children are born into the unmarried cohabiting couple, at a great risk that the couple could break up.

The Pros Of Cohabitation:

• ·      High number of cohabitors plan to marry their partner. Among those who plan to   marry there is no difference in terms of relationship quality when compared to married people.
• ·      Unmarried Cohabitors who have children are more likely to stay together
• ·      If your goal is to have happy, healthy families and relationships, and you’re open to learning about how that can best happen, marriage may be much less important.
• ·      Some studies show that there is more aggression in unmarried cohabiation but those are more generally linked with poverty rather than marital status.
• ·      Chohabiting couples are actually more likely to be tied to informal networks of family and friends than married couples.
• ·      One study divided people into four categories: Married, living with a partner, having a partner you don’t live with, and people who don’t have partners. They found that people living with a partner had the highest level of emotional support (higher than that of married couples) and the same low levels of distress as married couples.  (Solot, Dorian, and Marshall Miller. 2002)                                                 

Sources:

Solot, Dorian, and Marshall Miller. 2002. Excerpts from “What’s wrong with the work of the national marriage project?” and “Ten Problems With The National Marriage Project’s Cohabitation Report” and “Frequently Asked Questions About Cohabitation”

Popenoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002. “Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need To Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Research, second ed. (A report of the National Marriage Project.”

Relationships

Found this quote in my reading for class and really liked it! here you go! :)


"We are born in relationships, we are wounded in relationships, and we can be healed in relationships."-Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. 

Saturday Nights

 By Annie

How often do you spend your Saturday night sitting on the couch watching a movie with the love of your life? It doesn't sound like a bad combo. It's not. I certainly have fallen into this routine. After a busy week, a night cuddled up to my sweetheart sounds rather refreshing. I’m not here to say that spending a night on the couch is a bad idea. Rather I wanted to talk about the habits we sometimes fall into while we are dating. It’s important to look at these habits as you are evaluating what you want from your marriage. In a recent study by Strong and Aron, they evaluated couples who spent time doing new, and challenging experiences together. As a result they found that these couples had were happier in their relationships, and they tended to have longer lasting relationships (Strong and Aron, 2006).  So rather than nestling up in your favorite spot on the couch each week, change up the routine and you may find that you fall more in love. You even may find yourself twitterpated.

            I find that as you get in the routine of dating someone, serendipity fades away. The novelty drifts away. I think that there are many reasons why this tends to happen. Typically, if you have been dating for a while, it’s safe to assume that there’s less pressure to impress each other and we find ourselves feeling more secure in the relationship. Both of those are good things and important for a relationship to progress. We know that love has stages and, as you are together, your love enhances from the former tickle-me-pink sensation. Just because you are getting married, does that mean that the fairy tale of courtship should end? I would hope not.  Yes, your love grows and matures but does that mean you should give up on the little reminders of why you fell in love with each other? As you bring this novelty into your dating life, it will transfer over into your marriage. Ideally creating a happier and more fulfilling relationship. It’s important to set your healthy habits and expectations now rather than after the altar.

            It’s important to set aside time to actually go out on a date. I like to remember this simple formula for dating. A date should ideally consist of the three P’s. Planned for, Paired off, and Paid for. Meeting up with your friends for a group date is a great idea, but doesn’t count for this exercise. The one-on-one time is valuable and important for relationships. Strong’s study comes to the conclusion that the strength comes from creating new memories together. Going a restaurant that you frequented with a former significant other inhibits your ability to create new memories with your current love. So instead, you can take off to a new restaurant neither of you have been to and let the sparks fly. Take the time to create new memories together, consider trying new foods, taking a class together, maybe you want to join a book club, stop in on a cooking class or go skydiving. The choice is yours and the possibilities are endless.

 References

Strong, G., & Aron, A. (2006). The Effect of Shared Participation in Novel and                                    Challenging Activities on Experienced Relationship Quality: Is It Mediated by High Positive Affect?. In K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel, K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel (Eds.) Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes (pp. 342-359). New York, NY US: Guilford Press.