Saturday, March 24, 2012

Reader Question Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while?

By Chris

Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while? How would you handle the situation between the child/ren and the new boyfriend if the child/ren are making it difficult by being defiant etc. ?

I have kept my children separate from my dating world, until I felt that they were ready to meet my guy and my guy felt he was ready to meet them. I waited a few years after my husband passed away before I attempted that great vastness of dating. My main concern is my children's happiness and security. So I established some ground rules for me, my main one was I never brought anyone home until I knew him and that takes asking a lot of questions, meeting in public places and not staying out late. When we did bring our children to meet each other I picked a neutral setting, the park for a picnic, this way the kids got a chance to meet each other and have something to do and I met his son he met my sons and daughter. Our kids had a chance to see us together and a chance to meet each other without the power play they tend to do when you meet at each others houses. I found it helpful to coach them about what we were going to do. I asked if they would like to meet the person that I really like. After a bunch of ok's... if we have to .... etc. I said we are going to go on a picnic at the park and he will be meeting us there with his son. I was dating my guy for 3 months or so at this point. After it was question and answer from my children all the way home. I was lucky with the way my children handled the situation. None of them really gave me a hard time. It boiled down to they want their mom to be happy but they have the right to not like my guy, or like him. They also know that my guy is not there to take their dad's place, and that they are still the most important in my life, they are good with it. My best advice is, make sure he is someone you can see in your child's life long term before you decide to introduce them to him. Date someone that has pets or children of their own, they're more likely to understand what comes with being a responsible parent.

 APA Reference 
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/

2 comments:

  1. Love this! Of course this is a concern, I mean your babies are so important. But you do need to have a life other then them. Wow, thank you for your story and advice.
    Crystal

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  2. Thanks Crystal, We do need to remember not only are we moms but we are individuals who also need love and care and tenderness that our children can't provide to complete ourselves. We also need to be brave enough to go out and find it, so many just wall up and put all the energy in to raising the kids. Then they realize that the kids have grown up and moved out and now they have a lot of free time. This requires finding some new hobbies, perhaps getting out and finding the gym, or learning a new skill, or maybe finishing that degree you may have put off. And perhaps if we are lucky we find a partner to waste some of that time with.

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