Is it okay to keep the person
you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a
while? How would you handle the situation between the child/ren and the new
boyfriend if the child/ren are making it difficult by being defiant etc. ?
I have kept my children
separate from my dating world, until I felt that they were ready to meet my guy
and my guy felt he was ready to meet them. I waited a few years after my
husband passed away before I attempted that great vastness of dating. My main concern
is my children's happiness and security. So I established some ground rules for
me, my main one was I never brought anyone home until I knew him and that takes
asking a lot of questions, meeting in public places and not staying out late.
When we did bring our children to meet each other I picked a neutral setting,
the park for a picnic, this way the kids got a chance to meet each other and
have something to do and I met his son he met my sons and daughter. Our kids
had a chance to see us together and a chance to meet each other without the
power play they tend to do when you meet at each others houses. I found it
helpful to coach them about what we were going to do. I asked if they would
like to meet the person that I really like. After a bunch of ok's... if we have
to .... etc. I said we are going to go on a picnic at the park and he will be
meeting us there with his son. I was dating my guy for 3 months or so at this
point. After it was question and answer from my children all the way home. I
was lucky with the way my children handled the situation. None of them really
gave me a hard time. It boiled down to they want their mom to be happy but they
have the right to not like my guy, or like him. They also know that my guy is
not there to take their dad's place, and that they are still the most important
in my life, they are good with it. My best advice is, make sure he is someone
you can see in your child's life long term before you decide to introduce them
to him. Date someone that has pets or children of their own, they're more
likely to understand what comes with being a responsible parent.
APA Reference
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/
Love this! Of course this is a concern, I mean your babies are so important. But you do need to have a life other then them. Wow, thank you for your story and advice.
ReplyDeleteCrystal
Thanks Crystal, We do need to remember not only are we moms but we are individuals who also need love and care and tenderness that our children can't provide to complete ourselves. We also need to be brave enough to go out and find it, so many just wall up and put all the energy in to raising the kids. Then they realize that the kids have grown up and moved out and now they have a lot of free time. This requires finding some new hobbies, perhaps getting out and finding the gym, or learning a new skill, or maybe finishing that degree you may have put off. And perhaps if we are lucky we find a partner to waste some of that time with.
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