Any Advice?

            

Dear Reader,

       

         I wanted this post to be in response to a reader's question pertaining to the upcoming wedding of her niece: "My niece is getting married in the next couple of months, and with the stress of planning a wedding, are there specific topics you might recommend they discuss prior to the big day? Things you wish you had known?”

What topics should couples discuss before tying the knot? I liked this question and thought I would delve in to finding an answer. I am currently in a relationship, and have never been married, so naturally I found the information rather applicable.

            In a study conducted by Jason Carroll, researchers were curious to define "marriage readiness," from the perspective of emerging adults. Where does this shift occur enabling adults to develop the ability to make life long commitments, and the ability to care for others? (Carroll 2009). The research showed that in order for young adults to feel ready for marriage there must be two shifts. The first shift is a transition from being cared for by others to taking care of yourself, and the second shift is from self-care to caring for the needs of others. Carroll explains this transition needs to occur for young adults to feel that they are ready for marriage. Then, they must take several things into consideration before moving their relationship to the next level. After conducting his research, Carroll came up with a checklist of things couples should be aware of.  I wanted to highlight three of his ideas and propose three ideas you could relay to your niece about marriage.  I hope you will find them insightful.

1. Three Stages of Marriage- It  is important to realize there is an ebb and flow to marriage. Being aware of the shifts that accompany a developing relationship will prepare you for when the magic that was around when you first met dissipates into something else. Too often couples look at this shift and think that they have simply fallen out of love. Having a greater awareness of what to expect will help couples to be more prepared. Some researchers agree that there are three stages of love: (1) romantic love; (2) disillusionment and distraction; and, (3) dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment.  “One of the toughest things for men and women to sometimes understand is that as the relationship develops and moves through these stages, intense and passionate love tends to diminish as it moves more fully into these other two styles of love - companionate and altruistic love.” (Corroll 2009)

I hope you find these few tips insightful! 

Carroll, Jason, Sarah Badger, and Brian Willoughby. "Ready or Not? Criteria for        Marriage Readiness Among Emerging Adults ." JOURNAL OF ADOLESCENT RESEARCH . 24.3 (2009): 349-375. Print.