By Annie
How often do you spend your Saturday night sitting on the couch watching a movie with the love of your life? It doesn't sound like a bad combo. It's not. I certainly have fallen into this routine. After a busy week, a night cuddled up to my sweetheart sounds rather refreshing. I’m not here to say that spending a night on the couch is a bad idea. Rather I wanted to talk about the habits we sometimes fall into while we are dating. It’s important to look at these habits as you are evaluating what you want from your marriage. In a recent study by Strong and Aron, they evaluated couples who spent time doing new, and challenging experiences together. As a result they found that these couples had were happier in their relationships, and they tended to have longer lasting relationships (Strong and Aron, 2006). So rather than nestling up in your favorite spot on the couch each week, change up the routine and you may find that you fall more in love. You even may find yourself twitterpated.
How often do you spend your Saturday night sitting on the couch watching a movie with the love of your life? It doesn't sound like a bad combo. It's not. I certainly have fallen into this routine. After a busy week, a night cuddled up to my sweetheart sounds rather refreshing. I’m not here to say that spending a night on the couch is a bad idea. Rather I wanted to talk about the habits we sometimes fall into while we are dating. It’s important to look at these habits as you are evaluating what you want from your marriage. In a recent study by Strong and Aron, they evaluated couples who spent time doing new, and challenging experiences together. As a result they found that these couples had were happier in their relationships, and they tended to have longer lasting relationships (Strong and Aron, 2006). So rather than nestling up in your favorite spot on the couch each week, change up the routine and you may find that you fall more in love. You even may find yourself twitterpated.
I find that as you get in the routine of dating someone, serendipity fades away. The novelty drifts away. I think that there are many reasons why this tends to happen. Typically, if you have been dating for a while, it’s safe to assume that there’s less pressure to impress each other and we find ourselves feeling more secure in the relationship. Both of those are good things and important for a relationship to progress. We know that love has stages and, as you are together, your love enhances from the former tickle-me-pink sensation. Just because you are getting married, does that mean that the fairy tale of courtship should end? I would hope not. Yes, your love grows and matures but does that mean you should give up on the little reminders of why you fell in love with each other? As you bring this novelty into your dating life, it will transfer over into your marriage. Ideally creating a happier and more fulfilling relationship. It’s important to set your healthy habits and expectations now rather than after the altar.
It’s important to set aside time to actually go out on a date. I like to remember this simple formula for dating. A date should ideally consist of the three P’s. Planned for, Paired off, and Paid for. Meeting up with your friends for a group date is a great idea, but doesn’t count for this exercise. The one-on-one time is valuable and important for relationships. Strong’s study comes to the conclusion that the strength comes from creating new memories together. Going a restaurant that you frequented with a former significant other inhibits your ability to create new memories with your current love. So instead, you can take off to a new restaurant neither of you have been to and let the sparks fly. Take the time to create new memories together, consider trying new foods, taking a class together, maybe you want to join a book club, stop in on a cooking class or go skydiving. The choice is yours and the possibilities are endless.
References
Strong, G., & Aron, A. (2006). The Effect of Shared Participation in Novel and Challenging Activities on Experienced Relationship Quality: Is It Mediated by High Positive Affect?. In K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel, K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel (Eds.) Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes (pp. 342-359). New York, NY US: Guilford Press.
I really enjoyed this post. I recently was in a serious relationship, where we became comfortable with our routine and never tried to new or exciting things, and the only time we did anything together was when we would go to a social gathering with friends. In the long run it severely affected our relationship and we began to fight more and more about things that never seemed to be important. It became such a serious problem that we could not even stand to be in the same room as each other for very long. Perhaps if we had done different activities together, we would have been happier together.
ReplyDeleteThis post was excellent!
ReplyDeleteI found my self reflecting about my own newlywed marriage and questioning if we were getting stuck in these habits.
I totally agree that trying new things brings you closer together and it is great to see research agrees as well!
Trying new things helps you learn new things about yourself and your spouse.
How fun!
I loved your ideas and even an old married couple, like my husband and I, need reminding to go out and do something new together. I like the idea of trying new restaurants. I am going to start looking for new things my hubby and I can do together so things don't get boring and we make a point to have a regular date night!
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun post. I can relate to this - by the time the weekend comes, my boyfriend and I feel too tired to go out and do things (the couch looks so inviting and I don't want to get ready to go somewhere), so we often stay in. However, when we do go out and actually do something we usually have a blast and I always wonder why we don't do it more often. We do go out with friends but it is so nice when it is just the two of us. I enjoyed your post and your ideas. -Laura Hubbell
ReplyDeleteI also can relate. After working a full week, usually all I want to do is curl up on the couch. I appreciate the research and insights you shared in this post and will definitely remember this in future relationships!
ReplyDelete-Bergen