Saturday, March 3, 2012

Quality vs. Quantity

By Annie

I think often times we view ourselves as well versed in the dating world because of how many relationships we have had. We should, however, look at the quality of those relationships.

Given that the aim of this blog is to prepare individuals for marriage, identifying our dating habits is an important role in making sure we are ready for that next step. In the first phase of tackling the issue of what makes a relationship one of quality, it is most important to define what we actually mean by quality. Researchers have tried to breakdown “love” into its various components. One of these researchers, Robert Sternberg, has created a theory on love called the “Triangular Theory of Love”(Sternberg, 1998). This theory explains that there are multiple forms of love, some stronger and more lasting than others. The three essential characteristics of the triangle are intimacy, commitment and passion. Each of these, Sternberg argues, is essential in creating a strong, healthy relationship. Different types of love are stronger in different areas, creating an uneven triangle. The ideal relationships would be balanced in all three, creating an evenly supported triangle. I’m sure we can all think of relationships that have flopped because of an overly zealous love without any type of commitment or the classic “old couple” that has plenty of commitment, but little passion. I think we all can agree that the most fulfilling relationships are composed of a better balance, catered to the preferences of each individual couple.  Perhaps in thinking about the various relationships you’ve had or want to have, you can examine where they might fall on this spectrum:

Nonlove: means nothing’s there. No commitment. No passion. No intimacy. I think some of us have had better relationships with our dogs than a relationship with no love.

Liking/Friendship: High on intimacy (i.e closeness) but no commitment or passion. The dreaded “Let’s just be friends.”

Infatuated Love: High in passion, no intimacy or commitment. This has been described by the whimsical, yet psychologically defined word  “limerance” by some researchers. Comparable to the sensation/phenomenon of being twitterpated. Infatuation is often the starting point for romantic relationships as long as intimacy and commitment are added to passion.

Empty Love: This love is described as being high in commitment but no passion or intimacy. The best example of this type of relationship would be an arranged marriage.

Romantic Love: intimate + passion, however there is little commitment. It’s a good starting point, but if it is to last, there has to be a development of commitment.

Companionate Love: Many couples end up in this subcategory after years of being together. It happens when there is a lot of commitment and intimacy but no passion. This can also be how you feel about your family. It builds for a stronger friendship than for a marriage.

Fatuous Love: Being high on the thrill of passion with the desire to be committed, these relationships are threatened by their lack of intimacy. The article describes this as when young couples are married quickly within a short time of dating.

Consummate Love: This is the ideal. High in all three categories of intimacy, passion and commitment, these relationships are said to last longer and have higher overall marital satisfaction.

I think dating is tricky, I’ve never been married and I am myself somewhere along this process. I know I have seen the benefits of working towards a consummate love in my relationships. If anything, I hope it’s food for thought. Enjoy your weekend!

Sternberg, R. (1988). The triangle of love: Intimacy, passion, commitment. New York, NY: BasicBooks.

5 comments:

  1. I like how your post was personable but tied in with research about intimacy and its various levels. It made me think of what I learned in Psychology of Love, about 4 levels of intimacy: 1. no love, no committment (awful); love but no committment (miserable); committment but no love (dreary); and love plus committment (bliss).
    Cheryl

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  2. I found these types of relationships so helpful. I do think I have heard of them before, but I enjoyed going over them again. I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 years now and I like to be able to step back and look at our relationship and find out where we are and where we might be heading. Thank you for helping me realize what I can do to improve my relationship. ~Kim

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  3. I enjoy how relevant this topic is to everyone because we all do date or have in the cases of people already being married. And the big question is how do we know who the right person is to enjoy the rest of our life with. The real question is how does lust fit into this? Because I know there is the debate of Love vs. Lust, but how do you really know?

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  4. Humans are wired to connect. We aim to co-create our relationships and the quality of meaning we give in any relationship is composed of the content level or "what is said," and the relational level, which is "how it is said." Every message we send is composed of these two levels. However, our species tends to focus more on the content level and miss the relational level entirely, which can be argued as the more important of the two levels. So in effect, we are dancing through our relationships. As our partner moves one way, we make the decision to move with them or against them. This is relevant because it throws empathy into relationships. I really enjoyed your post because you discussed different types of relationships and the meaning behind of each them. It is important for people to realize how they view certain relationships compared with others, because it will only help the relationship in the long run, especially with communication.

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  5. Cheryl R wrote the Mar 3 Up All Night comment "I like how your post was personable but tied in with research..."

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