Family Matters

By Teresa 

I come from a very large family, and as the years go on, it is continually getting bigger.  We all live within half an hour of each other and are all very close.  Every Sunday we get together for Sunday dinner, but we usually see each other at least once during the week also because we are friends and we enjoy spending time together.  For some of my brother and sister in-laws, my family was an adjustment.

Virginia Satir is a family therapist, and over the years she has noticed patterns in families that have sought her help.  Based on patterns that she saw, she separated them into two groups, nurturing families and troubled families.

A nurturing and vital family has a pattern of: “high self-worth; direct communication that is clear, specific, and honest; flexible rules that are human, appropriate, and subject to change; and the link to society is open and hopeful, and is based on choice” (Satir, 1988).

In contrast, Satir noticed that in troubled families: “self-worth was low; communication was indirect, vague, and not really honest; rules were rigid, inhuman, nonnegotiable, and everlasting; also, the family’s link to society was fearful, placating, and blaming” (Satir, 1988).

Whoever you decide to marry, you are deciding to marry their family as well.  This may be a good thing or a challenge, depending on your situation and attitude.  Virginia Satir had this to say about family and its context.

“The feelings and ideas one has about oneself, which I call self-worth.  The ways people use to work out meaning with one another, which I call communication.  The rules people use for how they should feel and act, which eventually develop into what I call the family system.  The way people relate to other people and institutions outside the family, which I call the link to society” (Satir, 1988).

We all come from different rearing backgrounds.  When you get married, you are taking the rules you have learned by experience- either replicating what you know, or consciously doing the opposite, and incorporating them into your current relationship.  Before you get married, you need to communicate about how your family will affect your relationship.  Some questions you need to discuss in detail include:

1)    How you will split the time between your families for: family vacations, family dinners, and holidays.

2)    How involved each of your families will be in your relationship. (Ex: if we get into a fight, will you talk to your mom about it?)

3)    How involved will your family be in raising our children?

4)    Would you be willing to move way from your family for a career?

 

Regardless of if you and your partner come from a nurturing family or a troubled family, these questions should be talked about with openness and honesty.  If you are able to settle these questions now, before you are married, the family pressure felt by couples after they are married will be notably less.

Reference

Virginia Satir (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books, Inc. Mountain View, CA

Blog Recommendation Sex and the Single Dad

By Chris

My Blog recommendation is Sex and the Single Dad.  You can find him here http://sexandthesingledad.com/ . 

This is a blog about single parenting and dating from a dad’s point of view.  This blog is written by J.R. it is about him and his teenage daughter whom he affectionately refers to as Drama Queen. J.R. says “Consider this to be Sex and the City on The Juice….” J.R.’s friends convinced him to start the blog and write about some of his dating exploits.

What brought me to this blog? I will tell you curiosity.  I wondered how the single father fared in the dating soup out there; is he going through the same issues I am? How does the single father find time for dating and how does he handle all the goofy things that come up with dating and being a single parent?

This blog is easy to navigate.  Under the banner are several categories that remain in place on every page so you can return home easily. On the home page you find the latest blog posts, the most recent post was March 29^th of 2012. If you scroll down a bit on the right of the posts you find clickable links to the latest posts, and links to categories of older posts, or you can explore the archives by month. 

My favorite category is Magnificent Moms in these posts he interviews other single mom bloggers. The questions he asks are insightful and well thought out, he also includes a link to the blog.

J.R.  Has this to say about his blog,” Not all stories are bad.  Some are good. Some are very good.  So good that they’re almost fairy tale-esque.  But then the fairy starts smoking crack and soon enough, it’s back to dating reality”

Remember this blog is written by a man, and at times can be crude and irreverent; but his humor is quite funny and he is one of only two men that have been included into the “Top twenty five single parent bloggers”. 

I have enjoyed several posts on his site, I plan on following him and thoroughly checking his recommended blogs as I enjoyed reading the interviews. 

I think you will enjoy and find this blog eye opening as I have that single parents whether they be moms or dads really are more alike than different from each other.  We are all raising children not priorities.

Any Advice?

            

Dear Reader,

       

         I wanted this post to be in response to a reader's question pertaining to the upcoming wedding of her niece: "My niece is getting married in the next couple of months, and with the stress of planning a wedding, are there specific topics you might recommend they discuss prior to the big day? Things you wish you had known?”

What topics should couples discuss before tying the knot? I liked this question and thought I would delve in to finding an answer. I am currently in a relationship, and have never been married, so naturally I found the information rather applicable.

            In a study conducted by Jason Carroll, researchers were curious to define "marriage readiness," from the perspective of emerging adults. Where does this shift occur enabling adults to develop the ability to make life long commitments, and the ability to care for others? (Carroll 2009). The research showed that in order for young adults to feel ready for marriage there must be two shifts. The first shift is a transition from being cared for by others to taking care of yourself, and the second shift is from self-care to caring for the needs of others. Carroll explains this transition needs to occur for young adults to feel that they are ready for marriage. Then, they must take several things into consideration before moving their relationship to the next level. After conducting his research, Carroll came up with a checklist of things couples should be aware of.  I wanted to highlight three of his ideas and propose three ideas you could relay to your niece about marriage.  I hope you will find them insightful.

1. Three Stages of Marriage- It  is important to realize there is an ebb and flow to marriage. Being aware of the shifts that accompany a developing relationship will prepare you for when the magic that was around when you first met dissipates into something else. Too often couples look at this shift and think that they have simply fallen out of love. Having a greater awareness of what to expect will help couples to be more prepared. Some researchers agree that there are three stages of love: (1) romantic love; (2) disillusionment and distraction; and, (3) dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment.  “One of the toughest things for men and women to sometimes understand is that as the relationship develops and moves through these stages, intense and passionate love tends to diminish as it moves more fully into these other two styles of love - companionate and altruistic love.” (Corroll 2009)

I hope you find these few tips insightful! 

Carroll, Jason, Sarah Badger, and Brian Willoughby. "Ready or Not? Criteria for        Marriage Readiness Among Emerging Adults ." JOURNAL OF ADOLESCENT RESEARCH . 24.3 (2009): 349-375. Print.

Blog Review (Dating Blog!)

This week I did some research on some blogs. I wanted to focus on dating blogs because dating is a huge part of preparing for marriage. Dating helps you learn what kinds of qualities you want your future spouse to have and also what kinds of activities you enjoy doing with that person. As you date, you begin to come to know yourself and your wants and needs better. As you learn these things about yourself, you will become more confident in dating and having the ultimate goal of finding someone who makes you extremely happy and to be married to them.  So I wanted to find a blog about dating that will help out with all of the problems that we seem to have when it comes to dating. Dating can be trying at times and sometimes it can be sheer bliss. When we embark on the dating journey we don’t know what has happened sometimes until it hits us hard and that is when we need advice immediately. That is what I feel this blog “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”, is providing us with.

Here is the link for “Dating Advice (Almost) Daily”- http://datingadvicealmostdaily.wordpress.com/

This blog is really fantastic and easy to use. At the bottom right of the homepage there is a section called “stuff I write.” There are a bunch of key words that you can click on that will take you to any posts she has written involving those key words. Some I found intriguing were: attract good men, attraction for love, self-esteem, and want to get married won’t commit. These are all wonderful topics to focus on as someone who is dating. As I said earlier, your self-improvement and self -love are some of the hugest aspects in working toward a positive dating outcome. A saying that I love says: “Become the person who you would like to date.” I really love this because I think a lot of times we are looking for that nearly perfect person and when they don’t show up immediately, it’s time to do a self-evaluation.

Another reason I love this blog is that the advice that is given about each of these dating issues is very reasoned and sound. She doesn’t tell you to go egg the persons house for breaking up with you, which although might seem to help, won’t really have any effect in the long run. I think she gives great advice and really is educated on the answers she gives. Most importantly I want you to remember when you date that you are an amazing person and that your self worth and your attitude about yourself is infinitely more important than any person you will ever date. Don’t lower those standards that are most important to you. I think that the author of this blog also does a great job of reminding the readers of this.

I wish you the best in reading this blog and I hope you find it as helpful as I have! Happy reading! 

Good News

I saw this article laying open on my kitchen table this morning and I thought that I would share it with you. It's just a short article from the Deseret News about how planning a wedding together can strengthen a couple. I feel like the article addresses some lovely key points, you will just have to decide for yourself.  Preparing for marriage while planning a wedding

Happy reading!    

                                     

Premarital Sex

By Teresa

Reader question: “What does research say regarding premarital sex?  Does it help or hinder the marriage?”

 

We all have our personal beliefs about premarital sex- whether you view it as: acceptable, should be avoided, or in specific situations may be considered appropriate.  Common influences behind such beliefs include: social, religious, and personal values.  A lot of research pertaining to premarital sex is coupled with adolescence, and its negative effects which include: unwanted pregnancy, STI’s, and STD’s.  I was surprised to find that there is little specific research about the effects of premarital sex on marriages in adulthood, but I will share what little pieces of information I have found from multiple sources.

Research suggests that religiosity has quite the influence over premarital sexual beliefs and practices.  According to the authors of Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood, concerning never-married adults, “religiosity has a consistent, fairly strong, and statistically significant deterrent effect on the number of sexual partners” (Barkan 2006).  This study also found that the “inverse association between religiosity and number of sexual partners is invariant by gender.”  This means that the more religious you are, the fewer sexual partners you will likely have, and that this is true for both males and females.

In regard to the actual marital relationship, research found that, “premarital sex or premarital cohabitation that is limited to a woman's husband is not associated with an elevated risk of marital disruption.  However, women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship have an increased risk of marital dissolution” (Teachman 2003).

If you find yourself wondering if premarital sex has an effect on the sex life after you are married, I found research that states , “The percentages of men and women who reported being very satisfied with their current sexual relationship did not differ according to timing of first sexual intercourse” (Hirsch, Sandfort, Orr, and Santelli 2008).  So, according to this research, your sexual satisfaction later in your marriage is not dependent on whether or not you engaged in premarital sex.

I could not find any research suggesting that premarital sex enhances the marital relationship.  Research I found did not suggest that premarital intercourse had a serious detrimental effect on marriage, but I did find that it does increase the risk of marriage dissolution if you had more than one partner. The decision to engage in consensual premarital sex is a personal one.  Let your beliefs and values guide your decision.  Communication between you and your partner about premarital sex and your beliefs is essential!   My advice is to not let the decision to engage in premarital sex be a rash one because you don’t want to regret it later.  In this instance, there is always tomorrow.

References

Barkan, Steven E. (2006). Religiosity and Premarital Sex in Adulthood. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, Vol 45(3), Sep, 2006. pp. 407-417.

Teachman, Jay (2003). Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women. Journal of Marriage & Family; May2003, Vol. 65 Issue 2, p444-455

Hirsch, J. S., Orr, M., Sandfort, T. M., and Santelli, J., (2008). Long-Term Health Correlates of Timing of Sexual Debut: Results From a National US Study. American Journal of Public Health; Jan2008, Vol. 98 Issue 1, p155-161

The New Rules of Marriage

By Annie

As I was driving through Arizona, periodically getting car sick, I read this book out loud with my sweetheart. A good friend recommended it to us. So we thought we’d give it a shot. He wasn’t partial to how it seemed to blame men for all the problems within relationships or the stereotypes it seemed to perpetuate of men. Overall, we both enjoyed the book and found it insightful for couples.

In The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real addresses what the author sees as a discrepancy between 20^th century rules for companionships versus 21^st century expectations. The book is based of the premise that we have different needs than our previous generations have had. He describes this shift because of the increasing autonomy of women during the later part of the 20^th century. This lead to increasing financial stability for women as well as education, putting an end to some of the traditional gender roles that had served as a building block for marriages. Instead of looking for financial stability and security, Real argues that women are now looking for emotional security and intimacy. However, men have not realized that what they are expected to do has changed. This causes a disconnect in between couples.  To remedy this conundrum, Real spends most of the book addressing different strategies that he has used in his practice based on this theory.

The book emerged out of seminars that he had done to help struggling couples reinvent their marriages. Based on this format, he addresses various aspects in which couples miscommunicate. He gives practice sections at the end of each chapter so that couples can evaluate where their communication skills are, what you may doing wrong, as well as right, and what a healthy couple should be doing – again based on what he calls “the new rules of marriage.” For example, there is a chapter entitled “Get What You Want: Empowering Yourself, Empowering Your Partner.” In this chapter, Real first explains winning strategies to have a healthy self-esteem. To explain the possible shortcomings in achieving these, Real gives real-life situations from his practice in which he explains how a certain couple struggled with their individual self-esteem thereby affecting the boundaries that they created and maintained with each other. He then describes how they implemented changes in their outlook and communication with each other that helped them to better achieve their goal. He does this in a well-outlined manner, by giving a “rule” (example: Rule: Interpersonal Conflicts are not resolved by eradicating differences, but by learning how to manage them).  He then uses the couples situation to show how first they are not “obeying” the rule, how that is hurting their relationship, and then how following the rule (and by giving specific examples of how to follow the rule) benefits their relationship. The practice section at the end really highlights how a couple can implement techniques into their marriage. He has lots of different activities couples can do together, such as journaling, quizzes and homework assignments, which typically consist of applying the rule. For example, he challenges couples to go 10 days without complaining. After that, they are to evaluate how well they did.

I think that his book is good, even though it isn’t supported by other research than he his own clinical casework. Despite the lack of hard empirical evidence, he has good insight into challenges that couples face. The book is a good read, because of how it is organized. The case studies bring the problems to life and make them easier to identify with. His practice sections are where the real strength of the book lies because it allows the reader to evaluate themselves and have practical applications to see changes in their relationships. I would suggest this book especially to dating couples who have tying the knot on their mind. It would be a good way to establish the direction, purpose and needs of each other and how to best accomplish this.

Reader Question Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while?

By Chris

Is it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while? How would you handle the situation between the child/ren and the new boyfriend if the child/ren are making it difficult by being defiant etc. ?

I have kept my children separate from my dating world, until I felt that they were ready to meet my guy and my guy felt he was ready to meet them. I waited a few years after my husband passed away before I attempted that great vastness of dating. My main concern is my children's happiness and security. So I established some ground rules for me, my main one was I never brought anyone home until I knew him and that takes asking a lot of questions, meeting in public places and not staying out late. When we did bring our children to meet each other I picked a neutral setting, the park for a picnic, this way the kids got a chance to meet each other and have something to do and I met his son he met my sons and daughter. Our kids had a chance to see us together and a chance to meet each other without the power play they tend to do when you meet at each others houses. I found it helpful to coach them about what we were going to do. I asked if they would like to meet the person that I really like. After a bunch of ok's... if we have to .... etc. I said we are going to go on a picnic at the park and he will be meeting us there with his son. I was dating my guy for 3 months or so at this point. After it was question and answer from my children all the way home. I was lucky with the way my children handled the situation. None of them really gave me a hard time. It boiled down to they want their mom to be happy but they have the right to not like my guy, or like him. They also know that my guy is not there to take their dad's place, and that they are still the most important in my life, they are good with it. My best advice is, make sure he is someone you can see in your child's life long term before you decide to introduce them to him. Date someone that has pets or children of their own, they're more likely to understand what comes with being a responsible parent.

 APA Reference 
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/

The Pros and Cons Of Cohabitation (Reader Question)

Cohabitation Means Commitment!

The best way to cohabit is if you are very serious about a relationship

This post is in answer to a Reader Question about the pros and cons of cohabitation before marriage. This was a really interesting question for me to research and I hope that I was able to find some things that will be helpful to all. Cohabitation is becoming increasingly popular in society and is often the first experience of living together rather than after marriage. There are many concerns that people have with cohabitation replacing actual marriage and the effects it will have on society, but it is also popularly accepted. I mostly want to give you some lists of what to expect when it comes to the positives and negatives of living together before marriage.

I also really liked what this blog had to say about cohabitation if you want more information! :) 

http://kimmysblogspace.wordpress.com/

Some Statistics:

*In 2000 the total number of unmarried couples cohabiting in America reached 4.75 million. In 1960 there were less than 500,000 unmarried cohabiting couples

*Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation

* In recent representative national surveys nearly 66% of high school senior boys and 61% of the girls indicated that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” with the statement “it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.”

*Forty years ago, living together for unmarried, heterosexual couples was against the law. It was considered immoral, or at the least very improper. (Poponoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002)

The Cons of Cohabitation:

• ·      Cohabitation before marriage could mean no commitment
• ·      These people may leave as soon as it becomes troublesome
• ·      Once a pattern of low-commitment and high-autonomy that is sometimes found in unmarried cohabitation is formed, it is hard to unlearn.
• ·      “Cohabitation increased young people’s acceptance of divorce, but other independent living experiences did not.”
• ·      “The more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.”(Poponoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002)
• ·      You also may be living like a married couple, but when it comes to economic and social resources, they are not equal to that of a married couple.
• ·      Can be harmful for children if children are born into the unmarried cohabiting couple, at a great risk that the couple could break up.

The Pros Of Cohabitation:

• ·      High number of cohabitors plan to marry their partner. Among those who plan to   marry there is no difference in terms of relationship quality when compared to married people.
• ·      Unmarried Cohabitors who have children are more likely to stay together
• ·      If your goal is to have happy, healthy families and relationships, and you’re open to learning about how that can best happen, marriage may be much less important.
• ·      Some studies show that there is more aggression in unmarried cohabiation but those are more generally linked with poverty rather than marital status.
• ·      Chohabiting couples are actually more likely to be tied to informal networks of family and friends than married couples.
• ·      One study divided people into four categories: Married, living with a partner, having a partner you don’t live with, and people who don’t have partners. They found that people living with a partner had the highest level of emotional support (higher than that of married couples) and the same low levels of distress as married couples.  (Solot, Dorian, and Marshall Miller. 2002)                                                 

Sources:

Solot, Dorian, and Marshall Miller. 2002. Excerpts from “What’s wrong with the work of the national marriage project?” and “Ten Problems With The National Marriage Project’s Cohabitation Report” and “Frequently Asked Questions About Cohabitation”

Popenoe, David, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. 2002. “Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need To Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Research, second ed. (A report of the National Marriage Project.”

Relationships

Found this quote in my reading for class and really liked it! here you go! :)


"We are born in relationships, we are wounded in relationships, and we can be healed in relationships."-Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. 

Saturday Nights

 By Annie

How often do you spend your Saturday night sitting on the couch watching a movie with the love of your life? It doesn't sound like a bad combo. It's not. I certainly have fallen into this routine. After a busy week, a night cuddled up to my sweetheart sounds rather refreshing. I’m not here to say that spending a night on the couch is a bad idea. Rather I wanted to talk about the habits we sometimes fall into while we are dating. It’s important to look at these habits as you are evaluating what you want from your marriage. In a recent study by Strong and Aron, they evaluated couples who spent time doing new, and challenging experiences together. As a result they found that these couples had were happier in their relationships, and they tended to have longer lasting relationships (Strong and Aron, 2006).  So rather than nestling up in your favorite spot on the couch each week, change up the routine and you may find that you fall more in love. You even may find yourself twitterpated.

            I find that as you get in the routine of dating someone, serendipity fades away. The novelty drifts away. I think that there are many reasons why this tends to happen. Typically, if you have been dating for a while, it’s safe to assume that there’s less pressure to impress each other and we find ourselves feeling more secure in the relationship. Both of those are good things and important for a relationship to progress. We know that love has stages and, as you are together, your love enhances from the former tickle-me-pink sensation. Just because you are getting married, does that mean that the fairy tale of courtship should end? I would hope not.  Yes, your love grows and matures but does that mean you should give up on the little reminders of why you fell in love with each other? As you bring this novelty into your dating life, it will transfer over into your marriage. Ideally creating a happier and more fulfilling relationship. It’s important to set your healthy habits and expectations now rather than after the altar.

            It’s important to set aside time to actually go out on a date. I like to remember this simple formula for dating. A date should ideally consist of the three P’s. Planned for, Paired off, and Paid for. Meeting up with your friends for a group date is a great idea, but doesn’t count for this exercise. The one-on-one time is valuable and important for relationships. Strong’s study comes to the conclusion that the strength comes from creating new memories together. Going a restaurant that you frequented with a former significant other inhibits your ability to create new memories with your current love. So instead, you can take off to a new restaurant neither of you have been to and let the sparks fly. Take the time to create new memories together, consider trying new foods, taking a class together, maybe you want to join a book club, stop in on a cooking class or go skydiving. The choice is yours and the possibilities are endless.

 References

Strong, G., & Aron, A. (2006). The Effect of Shared Participation in Novel and                                    Challenging Activities on Experienced Relationship Quality: Is It Mediated by High Positive Affect?. In K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel, K. D. Vohs, E. J. Finkel (Eds.) Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes (pp. 342-359). New York, NY US: Guilford Press.

The 5 Love Languages: Book Review

    By Teresa

            Often when couples are in love and are considering marriage, they have a false sense of happily ever after. In reality, love changes and evolves. According to Garry Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, “true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course” (p.33). The first couple of chapters in Chapman’s book serve as an introduction. He introduces the concept of a “love tank” and why we as humans crave and thrive when it is full. He also introduces the idea that learning and being able to speak your spouse’s love language will help fill their love tank and can essentially be the key to a long lasting and loving marriage. We simply can’t be infatuated with someone forever.

            Chapman began his career as a marriage counselor.  Over the years, he began to see patterns among his clients.  Based on his observations and the experiences of his clients, he developed theories about different types of love expressions and understandings, which he named “love languages”.  Much of the book also stems from his Christian upbringing and education.  His book is not based on peer-reviewed research, but is based on experiential observations through his work as a counselor. 

            The book was easy to read and a practical guide.  The sections were clearly divided, which allows for quick reference.  Included at the end of the book, are tests to help determine which love language you and your significant other understand.  The book was written as a guide to husbands and wives, but can lend itself to any relationship, romantic or otherwise.  The majority of the book focuses on explaining each of the five love languages.  The languages are explained through anecdotes of couples from Chapman’s practice, seminars, and acquaintances.   

            Some of the work in making a romantic relationship work is finding out what your partner’s love language is. According to Chapman, “your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English” (p. 15). He also explains that people tend to speak their primary love language but because spouses rarely have the same language the spouse does not get the foreign love message which in turn frustrates the sender. The five love languages that Chapman has identified are highlighted in their own chapter. They include:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

            Chapman concludes by explaining how we are creatures of choice and we have the capacity to change our future depending on what we choose.  Sometimes the choice to love your significant other in their love language takes work and commitment and isn’t always easy, but Chapman says it will be worth it.   I found the book to be an insightful read.  It was an interesting perspective, and made me look more closely at my own relationships and evidences of love languages in my life.  

Chapman, G. (2010).  The 5 Love Languages (4^th ed.) Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing

How to introduce Mr. Right to your kids

By Chris

It has been a few years and mom and dad are ready to date again. When should the kids be introduced to the new man or woman in your life?  Here are some tips for doing just that.

Take it slow.  You should plan on introducing your kids to your significant other; when you feel that this person is going to be a permanent part of you and your kids’ lives.  Kids, depending on their age, take time to adjust.  They may feel that the new partner is trying to replace the missing parent.  Reassure your kids that this is not the case.

Show them a picture of your new partner.  Tell them interesting things about the person.  Answer any questions that they may have regarding him or her.

When the kids are ready to meet this person, choose a neutral place.  Children may feel that another adult in the house threatens them in some way. They are ready for you to date, but not ready to see another potential parent figure in their home. 

Go to a movie that everyone can enjoy and have a nice dinner.  Each person gets to talk to each other and the kids.  Observe how they interact and how they deal with different situations.  The next day, ask your kids what they thought of the person.  Take their feedback t heart when deciding on the next step.

Prepare your partner for some hostility when they come over to the house.  You don’t expect the kids to act rudely, but they need to adjust to the new person.  On the other hand, inform the children that your partner is coming over and what you expect from them.  If the kids have any objections, during your conversation is the time to get those feelings out in the open so they can be addressed. 

To make the meeting not so formal, host a cookout at the house.  Invite friends and family over so they can meet the new person in your life.  Let the kids get a chance to interact with the new partner before the festivities begin.  The kids get the opportunity to settle in with him or her but the cookout keeps the pressure off of them to spend the entire evening with your partner.

Don’t force a meeting for the sake of the relationship.  Tell your partner up front that your kids come first.  You want the relationship to work but not at the kid’s expense.  When the kids are ready to meet, then the meeting will take place.

Along these same lines, if you have to break a date due to the kids needing your attention, schedule and alternate time.  Don’t just let the date go by forgotten.  If you value both relationships, be flexible in scheduling.  The kids will see that you do care about this person and them at the same time. 

Introducing your child to your new partner is important.  They will become a part of the child’s life as well as yours.  Don’t be impatient about the meeting. When the time is right, it will happen.

APA reference
Hartwell-Walker, M (2006) When should my boyfriend introduce me to his kids? Retrieved on March 10, 2012 from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/06/16/when-should-my-boyfriend-introduce-me-to-his-kids/

When Prince Charming Doesn't Show Up

 So today I felt that it would be good to talk about an issue that as women, we all struggle with. We all want to find that perfect man and we keep searching until we find him, or realize that he isn’t really there. I think that it is totally fine to have expectations for the kind of man you want your future husband to be. But we need to remember that some exceptions are going to have to be made.

So to start out lets start thinking of a list that you have for your future husband. Mine includes some things like funny, smart, attractive, loves kids, will watch chick flicks with me, like sports, outgoing, really friendly, likes to dance, and I could probably go on and on. In dating I have met boys that have all of these qualities but one or two and sometimes they are even lacking a few more, and I am really quick to think that things won’t work because he did not meet all of the requirements. Now that I am nineteen almost twenty, I have realized that I can’t keep doing this, because if I do, I’ll never be able to find someone who meets all of my standards.

Something to remember is that there will be someone who is “Mr. Right” for you! Just because he doesn’t have the perfect hair, or there are some days he only cares about sports, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t make up for it in other ways. But anything that doesn’t meet our expectations prompts us to ask:

1.     Is this all there is?

2.     Am I as happy as I should be?

3.     Could there be somebody out there who’s better for me?

We often answer yes to the last question and we end up falling victim to our own expectations. The reality is however, that few marriages or relationships consistently live up to the ideal that somebody is our soul mate. (Shulman,2004)

What we need to remember is that that a real relationship does not always mean that you match perfectly, but the way that you handle the parts where  you don’t match is what determines the quality of the relationship. If we accept the humble terms of the quest for a soul mate, the pursuit may be quite noble after all. (Shulman 2004)

Remember on your search for a soul mate to be down to earth with your expectations. “A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for-and think we deserve-perfection.”(Shulman, 2004). So I suggest you find perfection through the work you put toward the relationship. This will be a continual process but if you find someone who will continue to work through the hard and the uncomfortable times with you, that will be your perfect man.

Source: Shulman, Polly. (2004). “Great Expectations.” Psychology Today. (March/April).

Debt Before Marriage

By Teresa

For most people, deciding who to marry will be one of the biggest decisions they will ever make.  You have the power to enter marriage ignorantly and hope that everything will work out, or you can enter with your eyes open.  For me, I would choose the latter.  Marriage can be a scary thing, but putting forth every effort possible to get to know everything about your partner before you say “I do” can make the world of difference. One area in particular that should be covered before you get married is finances.  Marital conflict is increased by debt, and is the second highest marital concern rated by newlyweds (Dew 2008).  Communicating about financial issues, beliefs, and management before you commit will save you a lot of grief after you are married. For the rest of this post, I would like to focus specifically on the financial issue of debt.  I strongly encourage the communication of other financial issues concerning the future and the present such as: financial planning, types of savings, investments, retirement, and sources of income. 

Debt, whether it is: school loans, a vehicle, furniture, electronics, recreational toys, mortgage, or credit card can be a heavy burden for a couple to share.  Maintaining marital satisfaction levels is a challenge, especially for newlywed couples with consumer debt- this is because they have such high expectations for their relationship, but the consumer debt makes it harder to have their reality match their expectations (Dew 2008).  Before you get married you should ask yourself and your partner two important questions:

 1- What are all your current personal debts? 

2- What items can be justified for going into debt?

 Even though these two questions may seem straight forward, the more specific your answer, the better you will understand your partner and their financial views.  For example, a common answer to the second question could be: school, car, and home. However, their view of the percentage of monthly income that should be allotted toward the car or mortgage payment may be significantly different than what you consider to be appropriate.  Detailed conversation can help to identify these financial specifications.

Finding out your significant others' answer to the first question may or may not feel like a pile of rocks landed on top of you.  Even if rocks do fall, don’t lose hope.  Find out details and specifics of each debt.  For example, find out their reasoning in obtaining the specific debts in the first place and what is being done to relieve each one.  Take every aspect that you learn into consideration and how it could affect your future together.  

The goal of my two questions is for your eyes to be opened and for you to be informed before you enter into marriage.  Debt is especially a critical issue that your eyes need to be opened to because consumer debt is a risk factor for becoming less satisfied within the marriage (Dew 2008). We all want to be happy in marriage, so take the time to talk about financial goals in general, but specifically communicate about debt before you say “I do.”  

Reference

Dew, Jeffrey (2008). Debt Change and Marital Satifacion Change in Recently Married Couples. Family Relations, Jan 2008, Vol. 57 Issue 1, p60, 12p

Quality vs. Quantity

By Annie

I think often times we view ourselves as well versed in the dating world because of how many relationships we have had. We should, however, look at the quality of those relationships.

Given that the aim of this blog is to prepare individuals for marriage, identifying our dating habits is an important role in making sure we are ready for that next step. In the first phase of tackling the issue of what makes a relationship one of quality, it is most important to define what we actually mean by quality. Researchers have tried to breakdown “love” into its various components. One of these researchers, Robert Sternberg, has created a theory on love called the “Triangular Theory of Love”(Sternberg, 1998). This theory explains that there are multiple forms of love, some stronger and more lasting than others. The three essential characteristics of the triangle are intimacy, commitment and passion. Each of these, Sternberg argues, is essential in creating a strong, healthy relationship. Different types of love are stronger in different areas, creating an uneven triangle. The ideal relationships would be balanced in all three, creating an evenly supported triangle. I’m sure we can all think of relationships that have flopped because of an overly zealous love without any type of commitment or the classic “old couple” that has plenty of commitment, but little passion. I think we all can agree that the most fulfilling relationships are composed of a better balance, catered to the preferences of each individual couple.  Perhaps in thinking about the various relationships you’ve had or want to have, you can examine where they might fall on this spectrum:

Nonlove: means nothing’s there. No commitment. No passion. No intimacy. I think some of us have had better relationships with our dogs than a relationship with no love.

Liking/Friendship: High on intimacy (i.e closeness) but no commitment or passion. The dreaded “Let’s just be friends.”

Infatuated Love: High in passion, no intimacy or commitment. This has been described by the whimsical, yet psychologically defined word  “limerance” by some researchers. Comparable to the sensation/phenomenon of being twitterpated. Infatuation is often the starting point for romantic relationships as long as intimacy and commitment are added to passion.

Empty Love: This love is described as being high in commitment but no passion or intimacy. The best example of this type of relationship would be an arranged marriage.

Romantic Love: intimate + passion, however there is little commitment. It’s a good starting point, but if it is to last, there has to be a development of commitment.

Companionate Love: Many couples end up in this subcategory after years of being together. It happens when there is a lot of commitment and intimacy but no passion. This can also be how you feel about your family. It builds for a stronger friendship than for a marriage.

Fatuous Love: Being high on the thrill of passion with the desire to be committed, these relationships are threatened by their lack of intimacy. The article describes this as when young couples are married quickly within a short time of dating.

Consummate Love: This is the ideal. High in all three categories of intimacy, passion and commitment, these relationships are said to last longer and have higher overall marital satisfaction.

I think dating is tricky, I’ve never been married and I am myself somewhere along this process. I know I have seen the benefits of working towards a consummate love in my relationships. If anything, I hope it’s food for thought. Enjoy your weekend!

Sternberg, R. (1988). The triangle of love: Intimacy, passion, commitment. New York, NY: BasicBooks.

Dating and the single parent.

By Chris


Who knew dating could get more difficult? When you are a teen going on your first date you are nervous, maybe a bit stressed. All those little dilemmas of what am I going to wear, is my make-up too dark or not dark enough, do my shoes match?

When you are a single parent going out for the first time after a previous relationship you suddenly long for just the little dilemmas, now you have many more challenges to dating that need to be overcome before it can be exciting, as it is should be. However, the challenges for the single parent are undeniably greater, but this shouldn’t deter you from testing the waters. Overcoming the challenges is part of the fun, and the first step is identifying what they are so that you wouldn’t be caught off-guard.  Here is a list of some of the challenges  I have found being a single parent and dating and some of my solutions:

1.) Your children are resistant to the idea of you dating. You want to go out on dates, but your kids want the exact opposite.  The children, on one hand, are expressing a healthy need for reassurance that they aren't going to be replaced or left behind. The best thing you can do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Help them realize that although you’re planning to let someone else into your lives, they’re still and always will be your top priority.

2.) You don’t have time to go on dates. Even though this may be true for some people, for most, it is merely an excuse. You can squeeze in time for dating if you’ve completely opened yourself up to the idea.  Dating may require creativity, a lunch date while the kids are at school or when they are at the non custodial parents. For one weekend, hire a trusted babysitter or ask a close friend to look after your kids. For once in your life, make time for yourself.

3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests.  Some online dating sites exist for the single parent. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.

4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.

5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you bring them into your children's lives.  I always meet at a public place while I am getting to know this wonderful person. After I feel I know this person well enough, then I let him know where my children and I reside. 

6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.

7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.

These seven challenges are just a few that I have found of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you.  With an understanding of your children and common sense, navigating the challenges of dating while parenting is possible with an open mind and a zest for swimming in those waters.

 APA Reference
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/

Positive Communication Before and After Marriage

          Are you thinking about getting married? Have you ever constantly been getting in fights with a boyfriend or girlfriend and never been able to resolve things effectively? Have you ever thought to yourself that everything will be different once you are married? Or have you ever wondered what the best way to effectively communicate with your partner is? Then I suggest you read the rest of this blog post. I am going to go over some facts and helpful tips about effective communication and the effects it will have on your relationship later in life.

One of the most important things in a relationship is the way that you communicate. When there isn’t any communication, or the only kind of communication is negative, the relationship will start its spiral downward. Before you are making the decision to get married, be sure to evaluate the kind of communication that you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. I want to talk today about some of the effects that good and bad communication can have on a relationship at the present, and later in down the relationship path. Your relationship satisfaction can be determined by the communication you have and work toward at the beginning of your relationship.

When observing the relationship between pre-marital conflict, and later satisfaction in life, (Noller, Feeny. 1998) found that as couples reported pre-marital conflict, the more dissatisfaction they had later in the marriage. It is so important to have good and effective ways to solve conflict in a relationship before marriage. That is a huge reason to learn how to effectively communicate right now, before you enter in to marriage. Make it a goal with your partner to use positive communication now, and later in the relationship or marriage. Now when you make that agreement, make sure you learn together the ways that you can communicate that will help your relationship and marriage so you will be successful together.

The key communication tactics that you need to remember are what we are going to talk about now. One of the biggest is how to communicate during a conflict. When communicating about a conflict it is important to remember these communication points. I will give the definition of each point and the example of the strategy to help you understand. These are the positive communication strategies that will be most effective in keeping a marriage happy and successful.

Strategies:

1.     Reason: Rational argument. Problem solving (use of reason or logic; presenting alternatives or seeking solutions.) An

Examples: I use reason to back what I’m saying; I put forward options, being logical.

2.     Assertion: Direct expression of opinions or wants. (clear statement of           one’s  position; redirecting conversation to topic; emphasis by gesture or eye contact.)

Examples: I make a forthright statement of my points; I use repetition to emphasize my points.

3.     Partner Support: Acknowledgement of partner’s views (active listening or questioning; supporting or agreeing with partner; compromise or concession.)

Examples: I’m being a good listener; I try to understand his point of view; I look for areas of agreement.  (Noller, Feeny, 1998, Pg. 21)

            As you learn to use these communication strategies effectively, you will be able to have better and successful relationships not only with your future spouse or partner, but also with other people in your life. Remember to be positive and always work toward a solution that both partners are happy with. Success in communication before marriage will lead to a happy marriage where you will be able to successfully overcome conflicts within the marriage, and be able to communicate your feelings throughout the marriage. Remember, get started now and continue to work on communication! It will only lead to success and happiness!  

Source: Noller, Feeney (1998). Communication in Early Marriage: Responses to Conflict, Nonverbal Accuracy, and Conversational Patterns. The Developmental Course of Marital Dysfunction. 1998, 11-43.